Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
Thursday, March 31, 2011
pitty party...beware
Wow. Lately I just don't wanna get out of bed. How do I keep getting us into situations like this. I know. I spend money. Ugh I wish I would realize what spending money now does to us when bills roll around. Just sucks more now because we have a baby that requires certain things and the boys are almost out of school which means my minuscule grocery bill is about to triple. Great. We do good for a while then slip back into Tue old ways. I just wanna sit and cry. I can't help but feel like if I was working we wouldn't be in this situation. How can I even.think of going back to school right now? That would be selfish. I just want to be able to buy my kids something when they ask and not always have say no. I want them to be able to eat/drink whatever they want and not have to worry if I will have enough to last til we get paid next. I'm sick of this lesson but can't move on from it til I learn how to fix it. It's been a rough 2wks and is going to be a rough next 2wks. Guess I will put on my big girl panties and deal. Pitty party over.
Jaxon's story
While this sing isn't performed by Keith urban in the video, it still means a lot and as I tell the story you will know why.
In 2006, when my twins were 2 we decided we wanted to have another baby. When we found out we were prego we were so excited. We wanted our kids to be close in age. I remember going in to find out what we were having and PRAYING, Please Lord give me my girl. I'm not gonna lie, when I heard boy my heart dropped and I was disappointed. Then I decided as long as the baby was healthy that's all that mattered.
Then my husband gets transfered back to Oklahoma where I'm from and I couldn't be happier. I love my new Dr and things are going great.
I go in for an ultrasound so they can get their own measurements. They get to the heart and the nurse stops and says I'll be right back. Then the Dr comes in. I knew something was wrong. The Dr asked us if we knew about his defects. DEFECTS! What defects! No we didn't. So while I am laying down crying hysterically she is trying to show us on the monitor. My son was going to be born with multiple heart defects. So at that point we had been there for over 4hrs. They then sent me to my Dr that delivered my twins bc he is a high risk Dr. Only thing, he's two hrs away.
So we go back to my old Dr and do more ultrasounds. He wants me on weekly stress tests. Then we meet with the heart surgeon. Scariest day of my life. On a piece of paper, that I still have, he showed Jaxon's defects. Then explained the surgeries. That he wld be born bluish bc the blood wldnt flow right to his extremities. I now have 8 more weeks of worry. And to top it all of, I had placenta previa so I required a c-section.
It's now Jan 2007. I'm due in Feb. Around 4am I start with the contractions. I go to the hospital and they decide its time. I call Jeramie to arrange child care for the twins and call my mom so she can start her 4 hr drive to the hospital. I'm in the ambulance alone bc Jeramie needs to be able to drive back home. Mom and my SIS make it right before they take me back. The Dr allowed mom and Jeramie to be with me during the surgery.
So he's out. I don't hear him cry. I can't hold him bc I'm shaking so bad so I send Jeramie up with him to the NICU. MY AWESOME friend who is a photographer went with him. If it wasn't for her I wld have no pics of him before all the tubes and wires were added and for that I am forever grateful. He is born pink and perfect and beautiful.
We meet with the surgeon again and lay out the surgery. At 10 days old he will have his first open heart surgery. So the day comes. The only thing I'm afraid of is the echmo machine. Then I get the call. The surgery is over,, his heart beat on its own for 15 min but was just too weak so he is on the echmo machine.
When I go see him he is barely recognizable. They have to keep his chest open, he has 2 lrg canulas in his neck, one takes the blood out and runs it thru the machine to oxygenate it and the other puts it back. I'm horrified. This is too much for a 4lb baby! With the blood thinner in the machine its not ideal to be on it for a long period of time.
So Jaxon has good days and they try to wean him off the machine. It didn't work. So a few days later they try again but he still wasn't ready. One night his heart rate spikes, they think its his meds but then it drops really low. I get called in and we are met by the chaplain. I break down. When I get to see him I can't comprehend what I'm seeing. His head looks like one big hickey. I notice his forehead is raised and I immediately knew. He had developed a bleed in his brain but they couldn't confirm it til they could get an ultrasound. When u develop a bleed you can't be on the machine anymore. At that point I call my mom again to have her start making the trip to the hospital.
The drs were great. The surgeon came back to see what else he cld do but I knew it was time. They cornered off part of the wing so we could say our good byes. I asked the Dr to take him off life support. My whole family was there and I didn't want him to be in pain anymore.
Everyone says good bye and now Jeramie and I spend his last minutes with him. He is 20 days old at this point. We weighs about 10 lbs bc of all the fluid retention. He looks so peaceful with his eyes closed then I notice it. He has a tear in his eye. Jeramie reminded me babies don't develop tear ducts til 8-10wks and that was his way of saying good bye. I lost it. They start unhooking him from all the monitors and I watch his heart rate go down to 0. My son died in my arms. Now what?
We drive home, pack then drive 4 hrs north to the city jaxon will be laid to rest. Thankfully my amazing friends took care of everything for me. I just had to chose the date of the funeral and pick out the casket. His funeral was held at my old church. Then we had to pick out the head stone. Jaxon was originally due on Valentines Day. Instead that's the day his funeral was held. My photographer friend made a slide show of all the pics she took of him and of me prego and the background music was you're not alone tonight by Keith urban.
Jaxon brought my family back together, made me realize who my real friends and family was and changed many peoples lives. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him and all the joy he brought into my life.
So that's the story of Jaxon Dryer Buckley. Born Jan22, 2007 died Feb11, 2007
In 2006, when my twins were 2 we decided we wanted to have another baby. When we found out we were prego we were so excited. We wanted our kids to be close in age. I remember going in to find out what we were having and PRAYING, Please Lord give me my girl. I'm not gonna lie, when I heard boy my heart dropped and I was disappointed. Then I decided as long as the baby was healthy that's all that mattered.
Then my husband gets transfered back to Oklahoma where I'm from and I couldn't be happier. I love my new Dr and things are going great.
I go in for an ultrasound so they can get their own measurements. They get to the heart and the nurse stops and says I'll be right back. Then the Dr comes in. I knew something was wrong. The Dr asked us if we knew about his defects. DEFECTS! What defects! No we didn't. So while I am laying down crying hysterically she is trying to show us on the monitor. My son was going to be born with multiple heart defects. So at that point we had been there for over 4hrs. They then sent me to my Dr that delivered my twins bc he is a high risk Dr. Only thing, he's two hrs away.
So we go back to my old Dr and do more ultrasounds. He wants me on weekly stress tests. Then we meet with the heart surgeon. Scariest day of my life. On a piece of paper, that I still have, he showed Jaxon's defects. Then explained the surgeries. That he wld be born bluish bc the blood wldnt flow right to his extremities. I now have 8 more weeks of worry. And to top it all of, I had placenta previa so I required a c-section.
It's now Jan 2007. I'm due in Feb. Around 4am I start with the contractions. I go to the hospital and they decide its time. I call Jeramie to arrange child care for the twins and call my mom so she can start her 4 hr drive to the hospital. I'm in the ambulance alone bc Jeramie needs to be able to drive back home. Mom and my SIS make it right before they take me back. The Dr allowed mom and Jeramie to be with me during the surgery.
So he's out. I don't hear him cry. I can't hold him bc I'm shaking so bad so I send Jeramie up with him to the NICU. MY AWESOME friend who is a photographer went with him. If it wasn't for her I wld have no pics of him before all the tubes and wires were added and for that I am forever grateful. He is born pink and perfect and beautiful.
We meet with the surgeon again and lay out the surgery. At 10 days old he will have his first open heart surgery. So the day comes. The only thing I'm afraid of is the echmo machine. Then I get the call. The surgery is over,, his heart beat on its own for 15 min but was just too weak so he is on the echmo machine.
When I go see him he is barely recognizable. They have to keep his chest open, he has 2 lrg canulas in his neck, one takes the blood out and runs it thru the machine to oxygenate it and the other puts it back. I'm horrified. This is too much for a 4lb baby! With the blood thinner in the machine its not ideal to be on it for a long period of time.
So Jaxon has good days and they try to wean him off the machine. It didn't work. So a few days later they try again but he still wasn't ready. One night his heart rate spikes, they think its his meds but then it drops really low. I get called in and we are met by the chaplain. I break down. When I get to see him I can't comprehend what I'm seeing. His head looks like one big hickey. I notice his forehead is raised and I immediately knew. He had developed a bleed in his brain but they couldn't confirm it til they could get an ultrasound. When u develop a bleed you can't be on the machine anymore. At that point I call my mom again to have her start making the trip to the hospital.
The drs were great. The surgeon came back to see what else he cld do but I knew it was time. They cornered off part of the wing so we could say our good byes. I asked the Dr to take him off life support. My whole family was there and I didn't want him to be in pain anymore.
Everyone says good bye and now Jeramie and I spend his last minutes with him. He is 20 days old at this point. We weighs about 10 lbs bc of all the fluid retention. He looks so peaceful with his eyes closed then I notice it. He has a tear in his eye. Jeramie reminded me babies don't develop tear ducts til 8-10wks and that was his way of saying good bye. I lost it. They start unhooking him from all the monitors and I watch his heart rate go down to 0. My son died in my arms. Now what?
We drive home, pack then drive 4 hrs north to the city jaxon will be laid to rest. Thankfully my amazing friends took care of everything for me. I just had to chose the date of the funeral and pick out the casket. His funeral was held at my old church. Then we had to pick out the head stone. Jaxon was originally due on Valentines Day. Instead that's the day his funeral was held. My photographer friend made a slide show of all the pics she took of him and of me prego and the background music was you're not alone tonight by Keith urban.
Jaxon brought my family back together, made me realize who my real friends and family was and changed many peoples lives. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him and all the joy he brought into my life.
So that's the story of Jaxon Dryer Buckley. Born Jan22, 2007 died Feb11, 2007
Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
what a day
First let me say I am blessed with the best family in the world. That said if I vent that's all it is, me venting.
So my precious Joei has allowed me two blissful nights of 8-10 hrs sleep straight, until last night. After getting up to eat twice in a 2 hr time frame to eat she finally slept for another 4 hrs.
Now Joei does get a bottle before bed and was getting bottles overnight bc Jeramie wanted to help feed. But since we started adding cereal she wld usually sleep til almost 6am so it wld be time for him to get ready so I wld just breastfeed her.
Well I wld like to strictly bottle feed her but the transition isn't going well.
She has started eating around 2oz the crying until I give in and give her the boob. It's not gas pain or anything like that, she just doesn't want the bottle. So I replaced one feeding with a bottle today and same thing.
I have a killer migraine today and cld really benefit from the longer time between feedings but she won't allow it.
I feel bad for wanting to only bottle feed bc its for purely selfish reasons. There are moms out there that can't breastfeed no matter how hard they try plus we all know breast is best but I can't help but admire the freedom of a bottle fed baby.
But if things keep going like they are miss Joei will be making the decision for me. I have struggled with this since she came home. It's a lot of work, but also very rewarding.
I guess I just have to follow her cues. I can't force her to drink from a bottle.
So my precious Joei has allowed me two blissful nights of 8-10 hrs sleep straight, until last night. After getting up to eat twice in a 2 hr time frame to eat she finally slept for another 4 hrs.
Now Joei does get a bottle before bed and was getting bottles overnight bc Jeramie wanted to help feed. But since we started adding cereal she wld usually sleep til almost 6am so it wld be time for him to get ready so I wld just breastfeed her.
Well I wld like to strictly bottle feed her but the transition isn't going well.
She has started eating around 2oz the crying until I give in and give her the boob. It's not gas pain or anything like that, she just doesn't want the bottle. So I replaced one feeding with a bottle today and same thing.
I have a killer migraine today and cld really benefit from the longer time between feedings but she won't allow it.
I feel bad for wanting to only bottle feed bc its for purely selfish reasons. There are moms out there that can't breastfeed no matter how hard they try plus we all know breast is best but I can't help but admire the freedom of a bottle fed baby.
But if things keep going like they are miss Joei will be making the decision for me. I have struggled with this since she came home. It's a lot of work, but also very rewarding.
I guess I just have to follow her cues. I can't force her to drink from a bottle.
Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
Monday, March 28, 2011
to my husband
I love you more than words can describe. You make it real. You are my best friend and the father of my beautiful children. I thank God everyday he chose you for me!
Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
mommy needs a time-out
Lord has it been a day. Joei has been on the boon all day or wanted to be held and won't take a paci. I tried to exercise bit she just screamed. Now my oldest two are home do the homework struggle begins. I just want a nice hot bath with some music and candles and a glass of wine. I'm very thankful for my family and the joy they bring me but mommy needs some time to herself.
Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
Sunday, March 27, 2011
beautiful
Too often people tend to carve themselves to be what others want them to be. Listen to the words of this song. Be you. You are beautiful just the way you are. Don't let what others think of you change who you are. The key to failure is trying to please everybody else.
Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
Saturday, March 26, 2011
my first
Yay. I have a blog. What will do I with it. Hell, who knows. It will be a bunch of nothings I'm sure lol. I'm always looking for other moms to talk,vent,share with so I can't wait what you all have to say. Let me know I'd there is a topic you want to discuss. All opinions are welcome here, but pls keep things clean and above the belt ;) I know not everyone will agree with me sometimes but I welcome the different views. Look forward to blogging for you!!
Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)