Wow...Is 2011 really over in just over 24 hrs? Where has this year gone? I started this year with the birth of my baby girl Joei Madison..She is my joy. Now I count down the days until her 1st bday :/
We have moved into a new house back in a great neighborhood which is a blessing..The boys have friends to play with and a safe place to play.
We have struggled many times through this year..Financially it has been difficult and emotionally it has been draining. We have hit many trials and tribulations this year but have conquered them all. There are still areas of my life I struggle with on a daily basis but I am hoping with the new year will bring new insight on things.
Just days before celebrating Joei's first bday our angel baby, Jaxon, would have been turning 5. Hard to believe it's been that long already. Seems like just yesterday I was praying the ice wld melt so I would be able to make it to the hospital if I had him early.
I am hoping to make some relationships with some family members stronger but realize that I can't make them love me like I do them. Hoping to make some friends that I can count on this year. I am tired of being the friend that is there no matter what and left alone unless something is needed.
With the new year comes a new me. I am DETERMINED to lose weight. I HAVE to, for me and for my children. I will continue to work hard at school and show my boys that it may not be easy but it is worth it. I want to be a better mom to my children and a better wife to my husband. I want to strengthen my walk with God and be the person he has called me to be.
I have decided with this new year, I will no longer work hard at a relationship that I get nothing back from. I've been hurt over and over since I was 6 by my real dad and his family and I refuse to let it be that way in my life with anyone else.
So Happy New Year to all my reader(s)...May God bless you with all you do...
That's right..my little boys turned 7 yesterday :( they are getting so big! And according to them yesterday was the best day ever! I <3 that they enjoyed it that much!
I'm feeling much better! Who knew a nurturing cyst could hurt so much! Dr put me on a bc that doesn't make u ovulate so I shldnt have anymore issues...I asked him up take it all out but he said no lol...oh well :)
Went back to church yesterday after missing a week due to my health and let me say I missed it! I was so angry and short tempered and depressed...but now I feel new and rejuvinated and blessed!
Boys start school Friday and I'm SUPER stoked! They are pretty excited as well :)
Joei can sit up by herself now and is eating table foods! I'm already planning her first bday and excited but sad...
I look at my kids and think Wow! Where as the time gone :/ my boys will be 7 in less than 3 wld, joei is 6 mo old and I feel like they shld all still be babies! My heart swells with love for these kids. The frustration, tears, madness and sleepless nights are all worth it and always will be. Waking up to joei smiling ear to ear bc she knows how loved she is, the random times my boys give me hugs just because, its all worth it. I'm so blessed!
Went to church today and loved it! Best church I have visited in Lawton so will definitely be going back next week. I instantly felt at home.
I'm so excited to be getting back into my walk with God. I've been adrift for so long and know that now I will be able to handle things much better. I will be able to be the mom and wife I want to be and that my kids and husband deserve.
We still don't know anything about the job Jeramie applied for bit I'm giving that to God. He will guide us where he wants us to be.
Next thing on my list is me. Working on me. Not just spiritually but mentally, physically and creatively.
I'm ready to get back into school and pursue my culinary career.
I'm ready to get this weight off. It's going to be hard but I can do it!
I have so many creative ideas flowing in my head and I'm so excited! If Jeramie gets this job I will be able to buy a sewing machine and supplies and start working on my creative side :)
I see a whole lifestyle makeover happening and I'm so excited!
So thank you to everyone that follows this blog. You are amazing and I love you!
And if anyone has any pointers to help me pls comment! I'm looking for exercises, devotions, basically anything that will help me become the new me!
I really am a very blessed person. I have an amazing husband, beautiful children and awesome friends. There are times I wish my friendships with some were different but I have to realize I sometimes have high expectations for people when I should just cherish the fact that we are friends.
I do have a handful of people I can truly call my friends but those people I consider my family. I would do anything for my family.
I'm praying that God shows us the path he wants us to take as far as this new job Jeramie has applied for. I'm putting my want aside and praying for his will to be done.
I have let down my guard and removed my grudge I held against people. It takes too much energy to hate people. All I can do is be me. I want there to be peace and positivity in my life. I'm done with the drama and negativity. I'm trying and that's all I can do. But I will protect those I love and will do what I can to make sure they don't get hurt.
I'm trying to find a church home as well. I feel lost and need to become grounded again. I have started doing devotionals in the morning while drinking my coffee and am enjoying it. I want to be a good example for my family.
God has blessed me with an amazing family and amazing friends and I want to be as uplifting to them as I can :)
I have been struggling lately about friendship and what it means to me. My friends are like my family. But it seems others don't hold friendship as dear as I do. I see friends talking about girls nights and lunches and I wonder why I never get invited out to anything. Why no one ever calls me to hang out, stuff like that. But I know I'm a good friend. Yes sometimes I get taken advantage of and yes it hurts but I won't ever do that to somebody. I have very few friends I realized, I have a lot of acquaintances. But that's ok. One day I will develop that friendship with that special person who will want to do girls night or lunch or something.
I think its time for some changes. I'm praying they come true. We need a fresh start, something new. I'm 100% ok with this because I realized that I'm not a priority where I should be sometimes. My family is what's important to me now. I can't worry about making everyone else happy.
My sister will be here Friday and I'm SOO excited! She is the one person that bed NEVER left me. Through thick and thin she has always be there. I'm so excited!
Ethan is almost done with summer school and only a couple weeks until tball is over. My boys are growing up so fast. Almost 7 yrs old now!
Joei is my lil monkey :) reaches for things, eating solids like a champ and just being adorable. I am truly blessed!
My heart is sad today. The Hamil family from Piedmont, OK lost another child to the tornado of May 24, 2011. Mr. Hamil was out of town when all this happened so Mrs. Hamil was at home with her 3 small children. When the tornado hit it was her alone who had protect her children. Unfortunately they were in the direct path of this horrible tornado. Ryan was ripped from his mothers arms. Catherine, the mom, suffered a broken hip and has undergone 2 surgeries and is also 5 mo pregnant. Cathleen, the bugs sister who is 5 is finally in stable condition after surgery on her skull. Cole, the 15 month old, suffered injuries that later caused his death. Finally Ryan, a 3 yr old, was found at falcon lake on the shore this am. The father came back to this devastation to have to search for his son only to find his body. I can't imagine losing my children, let alone be gone when it happened and know there was nothing you could do. My heart goes out to them. Prayers are coming in from all around the world. They have a page on fb with donation info to help out the family that has lost everything and two children. I don't know if anyone reads this but if u do and u are able to donate pls do! The response so far is amazing. Such love for a family ppl don't even know.
Omg! Joei is already 4 mo old :( she got her shots today. Screamed thru the shots but once I started nursing her she quit. She is now fast asleep from running errands :) she has been rolling over back to front since May 7th and eating solids for about 10 days now :) we got her a jumparoo and she loves it! Dr is very happy with her growth. She is 13.8 lbs and 25in long :) she is the love of my life!
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Friday, April 15, 2011
I look into their eyes and I feel like a failure. As a mother, a wife, a person. I can't provide for them. I can't give them the attention they need, they crave. They act out in school. Devean is angry, to the point even his teacher said something. They all deserve the best and I can't give them that. I look Joei in the eye and cry bc I know I can never be the mother she deserves. I hurt. But I keep it in bc its easier that way. I just put a smile on my face and "put in my big girl panties." I guess this is life.
So...I've been on this kick lately about ppl making you their option when u make them ur priority and about how I feel basically alone here,friend wise. My husband has been great but a girl needs her friends ya know? Anyways, I've been trying to figure out how to get over this crap. All it does is make me sad and frustrated. I need to put my big girl panties on and deal with it. I'm not 18 anymore surrounded by my high school friends. I'm married with children and have priorities. Not everyone has a schedule like I do. Maybe I'm just not fun to be around, hell I don't know. I just really need to get my head straight bc its messin with me. This is the life I was given and I need to live it to the fullest, even if that includes just my little family.
Why is it people act like they are your friend when they need something or are bored and have nothing better to do but only then?
I value the friendships I have with people but I find I get hurt more often then not. Then I think about it. Maybe its me. I see on fb all these people I'm "friends" with and they are all talking about lunch dates or girls nights etc. Is it bc I'm a mom? Some of these friends are moms too. Maybe I'm just no fun. I don't know. All I know is that it hurts to read about how awesome everyone's weekend was and realize I don't ever have those stories to tell.
Damn this blog is really turning into a pitty party for Whitney huh? Well, nobody reads it anyways so it doesn't matter.
"Instead of crying, I am going to laugh. Instead of hating you, I am going to pray for you. With God's help you will come around. Until then, I will hurt no more."..
A friend of mine posted this on her Facebook this am. I have had A LOT of hate and resentment in my heart lately and this really spoke to me.
My daily bible verse today was Matthew 6:33 "But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
It's time I let go. Forgive and move on. It doesn't mean that I will allow these people in my life so they can hurt me and my family again, no, it means I will quit harboring hatred and resentment. The more I hold onto it the more I let you hurt me.
So at this moment I release all of it. All the hatred. I am moving on. I'm sorry you can't be a part of my family but I can't allow it. So have a nice life and I wish you all the best.
Does anyone else's DH spend a little time with LO then pads them back to you? I spend all day every say AND night with this baby and while I am SO extremely blessed to have her it wld be nice to enjoy ONE uninterrupted cup of coffee ya know? Yes I know today is your day off. I would like to think that I don't ask for much. I clean and do the laundry w/o complaining. I get the baby ready for bed and tend to her every need bc I want to, but if you offered to help I wouldn't say no. Things were different for a long time and now I feel like the old cycle of things is coming back only now there is another kid involved. I'm at a loss as to how to change things. Guess after this long I shouldnt expect things to change huh? Oh well. I'm blessed with a healthy family and that's what is important.
Wow. Lately I just don't wanna get out of bed. How do I keep getting us into situations like this. I know. I spend money. Ugh I wish I would realize what spending money now does to us when bills roll around. Just sucks more now because we have a baby that requires certain things and the boys are almost out of school which means my minuscule grocery bill is about to triple. Great. We do good for a while then slip back into Tue old ways. I just wanna sit and cry. I can't help but feel like if I was working we wouldn't be in this situation. How can I even.think of going back to school right now? That would be selfish. I just want to be able to buy my kids something when they ask and not always have say no. I want them to be able to eat/drink whatever they want and not have to worry if I will have enough to last til we get paid next. I'm sick of this lesson but can't move on from it til I learn how to fix it. It's been a rough 2wks and is going to be a rough next 2wks. Guess I will put on my big girl panties and deal. Pitty party over.
While this sing isn't performed by Keith urban in the video, it still means a lot and as I tell the story you will know why.
In 2006, when my twins were 2 we decided we wanted to have another baby. When we found out we were prego we were so excited. We wanted our kids to be close in age. I remember going in to find out what we were having and PRAYING, Please Lord give me my girl. I'm not gonna lie, when I heard boy my heart dropped and I was disappointed. Then I decided as long as the baby was healthy that's all that mattered.
Then my husband gets transfered back to Oklahoma where I'm from and I couldn't be happier. I love my new Dr and things are going great.
I go in for an ultrasound so they can get their own measurements. They get to the heart and the nurse stops and says I'll be right back. Then the Dr comes in. I knew something was wrong. The Dr asked us if we knew about his defects. DEFECTS! What defects! No we didn't. So while I am laying down crying hysterically she is trying to show us on the monitor. My son was going to be born with multiple heart defects. So at that point we had been there for over 4hrs. They then sent me to my Dr that delivered my twins bc he is a high risk Dr. Only thing, he's two hrs away.
So we go back to my old Dr and do more ultrasounds. He wants me on weekly stress tests. Then we meet with the heart surgeon. Scariest day of my life. On a piece of paper, that I still have, he showed Jaxon's defects. Then explained the surgeries. That he wld be born bluish bc the blood wldnt flow right to his extremities. I now have 8 more weeks of worry. And to top it all of, I had placenta previa so I required a c-section.
It's now Jan 2007. I'm due in Feb. Around 4am I start with the contractions. I go to the hospital and they decide its time. I call Jeramie to arrange child care for the twins and call my mom so she can start her 4 hr drive to the hospital. I'm in the ambulance alone bc Jeramie needs to be able to drive back home. Mom and my SIS make it right before they take me back. The Dr allowed mom and Jeramie to be with me during the surgery.
So he's out. I don't hear him cry. I can't hold him bc I'm shaking so bad so I send Jeramie up with him to the NICU. MY AWESOME friend who is a photographer went with him. If it wasn't for her I wld have no pics of him before all the tubes and wires were added and for that I am forever grateful. He is born pink and perfect and beautiful.
We meet with the surgeon again and lay out the surgery. At 10 days old he will have his first open heart surgery. So the day comes. The only thing I'm afraid of is the echmo machine. Then I get the call. The surgery is over,, his heart beat on its own for 15 min but was just too weak so he is on the echmo machine.
When I go see him he is barely recognizable. They have to keep his chest open, he has 2 lrg canulas in his neck, one takes the blood out and runs it thru the machine to oxygenate it and the other puts it back. I'm horrified. This is too much for a 4lb baby! With the blood thinner in the machine its not ideal to be on it for a long period of time.
So Jaxon has good days and they try to wean him off the machine. It didn't work. So a few days later they try again but he still wasn't ready. One night his heart rate spikes, they think its his meds but then it drops really low. I get called in and we are met by the chaplain. I break down. When I get to see him I can't comprehend what I'm seeing. His head looks like one big hickey. I notice his forehead is raised and I immediately knew. He had developed a bleed in his brain but they couldn't confirm it til they could get an ultrasound. When u develop a bleed you can't be on the machine anymore. At that point I call my mom again to have her start making the trip to the hospital.
The drs were great. The surgeon came back to see what else he cld do but I knew it was time. They cornered off part of the wing so we could say our good byes. I asked the Dr to take him off life support. My whole family was there and I didn't want him to be in pain anymore.
Everyone says good bye and now Jeramie and I spend his last minutes with him. He is 20 days old at this point. We weighs about 10 lbs bc of all the fluid retention. He looks so peaceful with his eyes closed then I notice it. He has a tear in his eye. Jeramie reminded me babies don't develop tear ducts til 8-10wks and that was his way of saying good bye. I lost it. They start unhooking him from all the monitors and I watch his heart rate go down to 0. My son died in my arms. Now what?
We drive home, pack then drive 4 hrs north to the city jaxon will be laid to rest. Thankfully my amazing friends took care of everything for me. I just had to chose the date of the funeral and pick out the casket. His funeral was held at my old church. Then we had to pick out the head stone. Jaxon was originally due on Valentines Day. Instead that's the day his funeral was held. My photographer friend made a slide show of all the pics she took of him and of me prego and the background music was you're not alone tonight by Keith urban.
Jaxon brought my family back together, made me realize who my real friends and family was and changed many peoples lives. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him and all the joy he brought into my life.
So that's the story of Jaxon Dryer Buckley. Born Jan22, 2007 died Feb11, 2007
First let me say I am blessed with the best family in the world. That said if I vent that's all it is, me venting. So my precious Joei has allowed me two blissful nights of 8-10 hrs sleep straight, until last night. After getting up to eat twice in a 2 hr time frame to eat she finally slept for another 4 hrs. Now Joei does get a bottle before bed and was getting bottles overnight bc Jeramie wanted to help feed. But since we started adding cereal she wld usually sleep til almost 6am so it wld be time for him to get ready so I wld just breastfeed her. Well I wld like to strictly bottle feed her but the transition isn't going well. She has started eating around 2oz the crying until I give in and give her the boob. It's not gas pain or anything like that, she just doesn't want the bottle. So I replaced one feeding with a bottle today and same thing. I have a killer migraine today and cld really benefit from the longer time between feedings but she won't allow it. I feel bad for wanting to only bottle feed bc its for purely selfish reasons. There are moms out there that can't breastfeed no matter how hard they try plus we all know breast is best but I can't help but admire the freedom of a bottle fed baby. But if things keep going like they are miss Joei will be making the decision for me. I have struggled with this since she came home. It's a lot of work, but also very rewarding. I guess I just have to follow her cues. I can't force her to drink from a bottle.
I love you more than words can describe. You make it real. You are my best friend and the father of my beautiful children. I thank God everyday he chose you for me!
Lord has it been a day. Joei has been on the boon all day or wanted to be held and won't take a paci. I tried to exercise bit she just screamed. Now my oldest two are home do the homework struggle begins. I just want a nice hot bath with some music and candles and a glass of wine. I'm very thankful for my family and the joy they bring me but mommy needs some time to herself.
Too often people tend to carve themselves to be what others want them to be. Listen to the words of this song. Be you. You are beautiful just the way you are. Don't let what others think of you change who you are. The key to failure is trying to please everybody else.
Yay. I have a blog. What will do I with it. Hell, who knows. It will be a bunch of nothings I'm sure lol. I'm always looking for other moms to talk,vent,share with so I can't wait what you all have to say. Let me know I'd there is a topic you want to discuss. All opinions are welcome here, but pls keep things clean and above the belt ;) I know not everyone will agree with me sometimes but I welcome the different views. Look forward to blogging for you!!
